Cup Filling

From Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen:

About times with kids when "He's just looking for attention" is uttered or thought:

For years, the standard advice has been to ignore such behavior. I don't get that. We don't say, "He keeps asking for food, but I just ignore him; he's only saying that because he's hungry." We don't say, "Your cup is empty, so I'll make sure you don't get a refill." If someone is looking for attention that bad, I figure they must need some attention! If we give them enough of the good kind, they won't be so desperate that they'll settle for the bad kind.

The Value of a Dimmer Switch

I really like the book Playful Parenting.

The author's got a great sense of humor. For example, when one child comes to him to complain about the other....:

"Hmmmmm, this sounds like a bad case of it all started when she hit me back."

But he's also quite wise. About the importance of identifying the reason for a child's misbehavior - and why it is important to not go on auto-pilot:

"It doesn't make much sense to say: You are feeling bad, so I'm going to yell at you. You are lonely, so I am going to send you to your room. You are feeling disconnected from other people, so I am going to hit you. You're hungry, but I"m going to take your toys away instead of feeding you. Absurd! Punishment enters into the scene because of our own feelings: I am mad, so I'm going to yell at you. I am frustrated, so I am going to have a temper tantrum. I am scared, so I am going to scare you. I've had a hard day, so I'm going to take it out on you."

Along the same lines,

"Emotional competence means that we have a dimmer switch, instead of just an on-off button, on our feelings. We want children to be able to express strong feelings in a modulated way, safely and respectfully, but directly. We don't want them to have a switch that is stuck on off, or that can't be shut off at all."

Don't you love the way he writes - and his ideas?